


never leave me (darling if you please)

by parkwaybeth



Category: Chronicles of Narnia (Movies), Chronicles of Narnia - All Media Types, Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis
Genre: Abuse, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-07
Updated: 2014-05-07
Packaged: 2018-01-23 22:55:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1582409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkwaybeth/pseuds/parkwaybeth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it's been so long and she just wants to feel again, to be loved and  to be cherished and to feel something other than the emptiness she's become so used to - and then she gets a pain in her head and everything's better again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	never leave me (darling if you please)

Peter had always told her that she would never get married to anyone that wasn't herself, because she was too spirited and free-willed to be tied down to any one person, especially the boys and men they'd known in school. Lucy had always said that she never wanted Su to marry, and though she told the Pevensies it was because she didn't want to see her dear sister tied down, they knew it was because Lucy didn't want to have to fight anyone for her siblings' affection. And poor Edmund didn't voice his opinion aloud, but told his brother (in secret, of course) that he hoped she wouldn't, at least for a long time, because he'd miss her if she went to live with her husband.

Susan had never put much thought to it, as she was never one to plan anything other than the missions and battles she'd seen in Narnia, always preferring to do what she wanted, when she wanted, and to leave decisions up until the last minute. As close as they were, she never spoke to her siblings about any boys she liked the look of or dates she went on with admirers from school, even when she grew into her body more and started attracting boys she saw around town. Susan always thought that was probably - definitely - why Peter, Ed and Lu were all so shocked that day after they left Narnia, at Susan's sudden interest in kissing and men. When Edmund asked her later what she'd been thinking - "It was _embarrassing_ , Su!" -  she merely smiled that quiet, simple smile of hers and told him that "it's just growing up, you'll do it too, Ed." 

Imagine their shock on her wedding day, watching her standing in a white gown that made her neck and shoulders feel flushed, looking out of place while cringing at an embarrassingly small crowd of people on her side of the Church, and the groom's side, with each pew stuffed full. As she said her vows and kissed her new husband on the lips, Edmund still having to glance away as their lips met, Peter settling for grinding his teeth (he never had liked the idea of his sister and a man together, the mere image making him cringe), the genuinely happy smile on her husbands lips mirroring hers, yet she couldn't help but feel that the grin sitting on her face was one that wasn't as genuine as his.

The man was William Jackson, a man of Cambridge who matched Su for wit and knowledge (but lacked in fitness, she always thought), and who she enjoyed the company of. He was gentle and sweet, and cared for his wife so that Peter was happy with the marriage. Will got on with all the Pevensies; his interests were similar to those of the eldest, he was Godlike in Edmund's young eyes and he loved Lucy as though she were his own sister, always taking her out and going on walks with her. But what Susan loved about him the most was that for the first five years of their marriage, he always respected her wishes about children; that she didn't want them as of yet, that she couldn't have them yet. 

He had always been calm, listening to her and trusting her decisions, never questioning why it was that she wasn't ready to carry his child - he merely assumed she was scared, not ready, terrified. Even Su struggled to admit the real reason she was so opposed to the idea of a child, and it was one she'd never admit to anyone, ever, not even her dear siblings. Partly because she was embarrassed - because really, who was she to still be hanging on to the idea of a man she'd met when she was so young - and because there was no point in even thinking about it - because it's impossible she'll ever see him again. Yet still she denied William, the man becoming more and more frustrated each day with her, as they both watched all their friends celebrate the births of their children, and watched as those children grew into toddlers, and older still. He lost his gentleness, though kept the charade with friends and family, acting as though he were still the man he'd been years ago, but behind the screen when he was home with his wife, he became angry and bitter and remorseful, his dark hair showing signs of grey though he was only young, and dark marks beneath his eyes becoming more common. 

Peter questioned Susan about the marks at the base of her throat, but she simply rubbed on them and told her brother she'd slipped while carrying the shopping. When Lucy asked what the bruises on her wrists were, the older girl explained, with a smile, that she'd fallen asleep in an awkward position on the sofa, leaning on her arm. And Edmund, though only 2 years younger than she, was wise beyond his years, and saw the scar on her jaw that she'd tried to hide and knew - he always knew - what was happening behind the doors of their mansion, but was afraid to speak out, afraid to admit the truth out loud because then it would become so more real than it already was.

 

 

She stepped onto the tube platform from the busy stairs, having been pushed and shoved more than she'd like, due to the morning work rush. Having slept at a friends house for the evening, Su had to get back to her 'home' in Finchley and face the reality that lay there. It was becoming more of a habit to take to the couches of her colleagues and schoolmates when things got worse at home, but she still never told any of the girls why she was truly staying there, always coming up with elaborate lies - "Will's away and I'm so scared in the big house, please can I sleep at yours? I'll be no trouble," - and her sweet, quiet tendencies ensured that they always gave in, truly enjoying the English breakfasts Su cooked them in thanks for letting her stay round. But the hustle and bustle of the underground was the part she'd like to skip out, though she'd long become accustomed to tube etiquette. 

Standing by the wall, she tried to make herself as unnoticable as possible to escape the awkward chats with men who wanted to try it on with her, and drew her latest novel from her bag, opening it to the page she'd finished on and trying to immerse herself in the world of the characters, feeling London slip away and the setting of the book surround her. Soon, the noise of the people around her faded to a dull buzz and the words on the page were coming to life, her more shitty one disappearing. 

After what felt like hours, she looked up from the gripping novel, taking in the surprising lack of businessman around her and the silent atmosphere that was the opposite to what she'd seen minutes ago. With a start, Susan realized she must have been so immersed in the book that she hadn't even noticed the tube pull up and everyone leave, meaning that she'd now have to wait for the next train and would therefore be late home - which was an unnecessary feat, because it would only anger William more so than he already was. Her heart heavy, Su turned to the stairs behind her with the aim of finding a train warden to inform her of the times of the next trains to Finchley, only to wince and cry out - a pain so excruciating that she stepped backwards, the force taking her breath away as her hands flew to her forehead to cradle the centre of the agony, bending in on herself as though to curl the pain away. Spots appeared in her vision, the underground walls blurring in and out of what she could see, and she heard a noise that she assumed  came from herself, though was unlike any sound she'd ever made before. With a start, she felt herself fall to the floor, as the platform and tracks slowly faded away and she gave in to the darkness.

 

 

The first thing Susan felt when she opened her eyes was cold. Her hands were touching something wet, as was the rest of her body, she slowly realized. Her face was lying against it, and as feeling came back to each of her limbs she reached out to touch the strange substance, picking at it and holding it in her palm before she recognised the burning sensation as freezing, then realized the cold thing was snow - _snow_! - and that she was lying upon it in only her thin black dress. Her feet, settled in her patent leather heels, were practically ice cold, and she had to wiggle her toes to regain full feeling of them. Sitting up as best she could with the dull throb that still was in her head, she took in the worryingly familiar landscape that surrounded her and tried to settle her raging stomach. The green grass that was all around her was something that was not a common sight anywhere near London - it was a sight she'd only ever seen a few times in her life, and both were experiences she'd been trying to forget for the past 6 years, and were ones she'd rather not remember now. But when she turned to to look at what lay beyond the grass, what was there made her want to either throw up, or jump about singing.

Ever since she'd left Narnia with her siblings, Susan had been torn between wanting to forget - to erase the idea that it had ever happened. She'd tried -  _honestly,_ she had - because it was easier to forget than live with 'what-ifs' for the rest of their lives. No one ever spoke of it, not even Lucy, so she'd tried to persuade herself that it had never happened. Narnia was an elaborate dream that she'd had while in a deep sleep, that she'd imagined the beautiful Telmarine that haunted her, that she'd imagined the noble lion that spoke to her and her family and that the battles, the White Witch, Miraz. That it had all been in her imagination and the world that was Narnia wasn't real. 

But this? This ruined all of that. The stone arches that surrounded the small patch of greenery were in much better condition that the last time she'd seen them, and the courtyard that surrounded her was no longer full of masked soldiers. When she turned her head to face higher, though the pain the erupted in the back of her skull told her to stop exerting herself, the sight was worth it. The spires and stairs and pyres were all bathed in sunlight and the columns that loomed over her were less intimidating than they had been the last time she'd seen them, and instead filled her with hope and a happiness that she hadn't felt since she was much younger. Snow sat atop the arches and the roof of the castle, and there was a thick duvet of white over everywhere near her that Su's womanly body had indented. She observed her surroundings, noting that there were no footprints or marks in the snow, and there were no footprints near her - it was as though she'd fallen from the sky, as there were no other signs as to how she'd gotten there.

Standing on shaky legs, Su felt like a deer on ice, her feet weak and her knees locking and unlocking suddenly. She tried to fight the pain that was in her head, though the buzzing in her ears told her it was something more serious than a simple migraine, yet she fought to take a step forward. As her foot planted in the snow, a sense of achievement overtook her and she immediately stepped again, but this time her leg gave way and she dropped to her knees, the cold piercing the skin there. Swallowing, Susan pushed up again and moved forward, knowing exactly where to go from the courtyard. The familiar steps were so close, but the doors at the top of them were closed - even so, Susan pushed forward with her right leg, wondering why she was so completely weak. Her head was pounding as though there were a bass drum within it and her body felt like it had been pushed to the limit. It was something she'd felt when she'd last been in Narnia, after each battle when she'd exerted such effort and exhausted her body, yet all she'd done this time was stand on a platform in London.

She stared at her feet, not bothering to take the heels off because then her feet would freeze more than they were now, and forced them to move, one, two, three, stepping forward and forward and again and again until she was walking at a normal pace, and the steps were getting clearer and clearer and soon she was standing before them. She lifted one foot, then the other, and was standing on the first stair looking up at the wooden doors at the top of the staircase, then walked up onto the next step, and the next. A sense of pride overcame Su, over something as small and pathetic as walking. She was ashamed that she was acting so weak, but the aches and pain within her body were so powerful that it was impossible to even try and act strong. 

The final step came and Susan stood proudly upon the top of the balcony, looking down at the vast courtyard that she remembered so well, then turned and moved towards the doors, lifting her hand to the heavy handle and pushing down, shocked that it was unlocked - she made a mental note to tell a guard that they should really get that sorted. 

She guessed she was in shock - Susan was in Narnia, of all places, after 6 years of going without it, knowing that she was never going to be able to come back, but she was completely calm about the situation. There was no panic, no questioning, no worry, simply the intent of getting into warmth, getting some food and, of all things, telling someone in charge to sort out the locks.

The heavy door opened with a creak that made her wince, the sound being the first she'd heard since waking, and the warmth that hit her as it swung open was welcome. Su stumbled into the heat unwillingly, following it like children to the Pans Piper, barely paying any mind to the noise of the door shutting as she shuffled towards the roaring open fire that was lit in the main entranceway of the castle. Her hands were out, the palms being warmed by the flames, which licked at her arms and were already making her calmer and soothed the pain she was feeling. 

"My lady?!" Asked a female voice from behind her. Susan spun to face it, seeing an unfamiliar woman draped in a neat black dress holding a load of bedding, with wide eyes and an open mouth. She had dark brown hair and olive skin that was a rare sight anywhere in England, but was common in Narnia. Susan immediately thought, " _Telmarine_ ," but smiled and nodded her head gracefully.

"I dislike titles, please, call me Su." She told her, taking from the woman's reaction that she was still viewed as a Queen in this world. "Could you tell me where to find a-"

"What are you wearing?!" The woman gasped, eyes wide as she took in Su's tight black dress that was viewed as normal businesswear in England. She bit her lip, knowing that her state of dress was entirely inappropriate to these people, and held her hands in front of herself in hopes that it might preserve her dignity. 

Susan cleared her throat. "It's a simple dress where I come from, but I'll change as soon as I find suitable clothing."

"I shall go and find you some, please wait here!" The small woman stuttered, before curtseying and scurrying away, leaving Susan on her own in the large room. There was a tall staircase on one side, and the fire lay on the other, plus a series of doors leading from the place Su guessed was the main castle hallway. She turned once again back to the fire, holding her hands out as a reflex. Her mind went back to her brothers and sister, wondering if they'd been sent back to Narnia as well or if she was the only one, then moved onto worrying if Lucy was getting on with her studies, and how Peter was faring with dating a young girl from her work, and whether Edmund was eating enough food (because he sometimes forgets, so caught up in his story-writing). She thought of William, and wondered if he was worried about her of if he was angry, calling up her friends and shouting and screaming to find her. 

"May I help you?" Said another voice from behind her, sounding slightly scandalized, - probably at her dress - drawing Su from her thoughts. This one was male and accented and slightly familiar, and that scared her because she couldn't be doing with memories because they  _hurt_ (oh, how they hurt). 

She turned and faced the voice, confronted with something she'd already anticipated and feared, and the face that matched the voice was painfully familiar, yet shocked her. For years she'd dreamt of him, always thinking of 'what-ifs' and 'could-have-beens' and things that she'd wished could have happened if only she'd had longer, and here he was, standing right before her, in the flesh. Though she'd aged 6 years since the last time they'd seen each other, he barely looked any older, his skin still as flawless as before and his hair as soft and silky looking as she remembered. His face changed from mild-curiosity to something she couldn't pinpoint with one expression, as he staggered forward towards her, mouth moving but not forming any words.

"I-it can not be..." He spoke, so quietly that she wasn't sure she'd even heard him. "He said you were not coming back, I asked him so many times and he told me you were gone, forever. This can not be,"  The velvety tones of his accent made her weak, forcing her to step towards him as he had to her, and the soft way he spoke sent shivers through her.

Susan inhaled, her breath catching in her throat as she felt the familiar sting of tears in her nose and eyes, but forced herself to keep them down. "I don't know how, but it is, Caspian, I'm here, I don't know how, I don't know," She stuttered, words falling from her mouth unwillingly as she tried to form a full sentence. He stepped towards her again, once, twice, until he was almost upon her. She could feel his body heat, so warm against her cold one from the winter air outside.

"What," He choked out, his usually strong voice failing him, "What do you think you are wearing? That isn't appropriate for anyone, not even women from your world, I can see... everything!" Caspian said, his face conveying how shocked he was at Susan's 'lack' of clothing. 

She mustered up a laugh, it sounding as though it came from her stomach, and wiped a stray tear from her eye before it could fall and ruin the powder she had in place, and as she pulled the hand back down to her side, he caught it in his larger palm, hot on cold. His fingers laced with hers, gripping onto them as though they'd keep him strong, and his were doing the same for her.

"I don't care how," Caspian spoke, his eyes noticably cloudy, "I just care that you're here, again, with me." 

He tugged on her hand, catching Susan as she fell into him, hands going to his tunic to grip and hold on, as though he'd be ripped away from her if she even dared to let go. His palms found her waist, pulling them closer, closer, so they were meshed together completely, her panting onto his chest and him breathing into her thick hair, his head buried in the place her neck met her shoulder, his breath warming her.

"I just care that you're here."

**Author's Note:**

> Just a drabble type writing thing because I rewatched all the movies last week and rediscovered all the Suspian feelings, so there's that. It'll probably have a follow-up chapter because it's a bit unfinished, but read it as a oneshot, if you please!


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